Ned’s Dilemma

Ned stood staring at his photo on the wall. He thought his new status would change things, he thought everything would be different now that he was a celebrity. So far, nothing has changed.

Edward still pulls his underwear to the middle of his back, often ripping the elastic, which in an absurd way ripped elastic turns out to be a blessing. Ned went commando once and the direct denim/zipper contact was much less forgiving on his manhood.

After the award was announced, Ned asked Melissa out, she appeared to take offense to the gesture, and enough offense she slapped him.

“I guess Melissa is not the kind of girl that sleeps with celebrities,” he thought, rubbing his face in memory of the event.

The crushing blow came just after the Melissa incident, his face still stung. “You’re not a celebrity,” Vanessa screamed at Ned after another failed attempt at using his statues to make progress with the ladies. “Could that be true?” he thought.

Ed thought long and hard about this accusation, he thought about the hard work he had put in to gain this coveted status. Could he have miss judged, was this position less than prestigious? Is employee of the month the only place on earth where you can be a winner and a loser at the same time?

This story was inspired by a joke on esmartass.com, make sure you stop by for a laugh. I hope you all enjoy!

Just Cleaning Windows

“Floor fifty eight rookie,” Claude told the newest member of the crew. They had been cleaning widows for hours and only gone down two floors. The rookie, also know as Bradley, had a queasy look on his face since they started.

“What is that guy doing?” Bradley asked, looking inside the building.

“Finally,” Claude replied. “Now things will get interesting.”

“Is he yelling at us?”

“Yep,” Claude said with a smile. “You come across screamers in the high rises. I guess they think we are too loud, we’re messin up their day somehow. Of course, they only yell when they are alone in the office, like telephone tough guys.”

Bradley was staring, amazed at the anger coming from this so-called businessman. “Wow,” Bradley said still staring at the businessman. “I think he is getting more an…”

“There’s a streak for you!” Claude shouted. “Come on rookie drop em and lets show this guy a thing or two.”

“Let me down from here… I’m serious, I’m going back to residential window cleaning!”

Note: I called for professional window cleaning and that is exactly what I got, a professional service. However, I could not get this story out of my head so I am sharing it with you now. I hope you enjoy.

She Is So Old

funny stories grave

Copyright- Alastair Forbes

“Ann, Ann, did your great aunt die last night!” Frank shouted to his wife.

“No, at least I don’t think so. Why, did you hear something? Oh, I better call someone,” she replied in a troubled voice.

Frank was sitting down at the computer again, practically drooling on himself. He did not notice Ann looking for her phone. She was nearly in tears at this point. Ann had spent a lot of time with her great aunt when she was little. Aunt Clair was almost ninety now but the thought of anyone dyeing upset Ann.

“Where is my phone?” she screamed, hysterical now.

“What are you freaking out about?” Frank asked.

“You’re the one talking about my aunt dying, what do you think.”

“Wait, did she dye?” Frank asked

“I don’t know, I can’t find my phone. Why did you ask me if she died?”

“Because we are in her will. Look, I just read the headlines, Richard Branson finally did it, we can go to outer space. All we need is $200,000 each, we will get at least that when that ol bag finally cr…”

“I hate you! You are such an ass!”

 

The story above represents my entry into Alastair’s Sunday Photo Fiction.

If you enjoyed this story check out my other funny stories.

Where’s the Pearly Gate

Funny Stories Staircase

Copyright -Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

“Isn’t it supposed to be a pearly gate?” Max asked as they approached the door.

“Oh, now you know everything about this journey.” his guardian angel replied; he had become annoyed with Max’s attitude. “Just open the door.”

“Okay,” Max replied, tugging at the door. “Lucifer,” Max yelled with dismay, “But, But…”

“Gabr-, Gab-,” the guardian angel was laughing so hard he couldn’t get the words out. “Gabriel,” he said as the devilish figure tuned into an angel. “Did you see the look on his face?”

“So, I’m not going to hell?”

“Who knows, we still have to get you to judgment.“

This story is my entry into Friday Ficitoneers.

If you got a laugh out of this make sure you share it on Facebook and Twitter below. Also, I have a lot of funny stories on this site and you can check them out here

You Hung Up on Me

“You hung up on me! I tried back four times and you didn’t answer! We’re through!”

“But my dad…” was all I had a chance to say and she was gone. I should have known better than to try dating. Maybe I’ll try again when I move out, when I move far away from my dad.

* * *

It was time for dinner and the whole family was sitting around the table, waiting. A bad week followed by a bad day and a growling stomach made Kenneth anxious. The house rules, Kenneth’s house rules were that no one eats until everyone is sitting at the table. It had been this way for years.

His oldest son was sitting on the bottom stair, not at the dinner table. To compound the problem Kenneth could here the conversation.

“You hang up first.”

“No, you hang up.”

“Come on, you hang up first.”

Anxiety took control, Kenneth got up from the table, thrusting his chair back onto the cabinets. Taking large steps, his face beet red and stomach growling he headed for the stairs.

“Hang up, it’s…” Kenneth grabbed the phone out of his son’s hand and brought it over his head to the highest point he could, then, with his whole body moving together, he slammed the phone down as if he was aiming for the earth’s core. Of course, the phone never made it that far. It’s vertical decent ended at the floor of Kenneth’s house where it’s parts immediately disassembled and covered the floor of the living room.

Kenneth moved calmly back to the kitchen, picked up his chair and took his seat at the head of the table. His son was still sitting on the bottom stair with his mouth wide open.

“Problem solved. Let’s eat son.” Kenneth said cheerfully.

Note: This is my response to the WordPress Daily Prompt: Tainted Love. I hope it makes you smile!

I you like to write check out my humor writing page, it could help you get a laugh from your work.