Ned’s Dilemma

Ned stood staring at his photo on the wall. He thought his new status would change things, he thought everything would be different now that he was a celebrity. So far, nothing has changed.

Edward still pulls his underwear to the middle of his back, often ripping the elastic, which in an absurd way ripped elastic turns out to be a blessing. Ned went commando once and the direct denim/zipper contact was much less forgiving on his manhood.

After the award was announced, Ned asked Melissa out, she appeared to take offense to the gesture, and enough offense she slapped him.

“I guess Melissa is not the kind of girl that sleeps with celebrities,” he thought, rubbing his face in memory of the event.

The crushing blow came just after the Melissa incident, his face still stung. “You’re not a celebrity,” Vanessa screamed at Ned after another failed attempt at using his statues to make progress with the ladies. “Could that be true?” he thought.

Ed thought long and hard about this accusation, he thought about the hard work he had put in to gain this coveted status. Could he have miss judged, was this position less than prestigious? Is employee of the month the only place on earth where you can be a winner and a loser at the same time?

This story was inspired by a joke on esmartass.com, make sure you stop by for a laugh. I hope you all enjoy!

She Is So Old

funny stories grave

Copyright- Alastair Forbes

“Ann, Ann, did your great aunt die last night!” Frank shouted to his wife.

“No, at least I don’t think so. Why, did you hear something? Oh, I better call someone,” she replied in a troubled voice.

Frank was sitting down at the computer again, practically drooling on himself. He did not notice Ann looking for her phone. She was nearly in tears at this point. Ann had spent a lot of time with her great aunt when she was little. Aunt Clair was almost ninety now but the thought of anyone dyeing upset Ann.

“Where is my phone?” she screamed, hysterical now.

“What are you freaking out about?” Frank asked.

“You’re the one talking about my aunt dying, what do you think.”

“Wait, did she dye?” Frank asked

“I don’t know, I can’t find my phone. Why did you ask me if she died?”

“Because we are in her will. Look, I just read the headlines, Richard Branson finally did it, we can go to outer space. All we need is $200,000 each, we will get at least that when that ol bag finally cr…”

“I hate you! You are such an ass!”

 

The story above represents my entry into Alastair’s Sunday Photo Fiction.

If you enjoyed this story check out my other funny stories.

The Blood of Remorse

 

short-fiction-shame

copyright-Kent Bonham

A disturbing murder case was weighing heavily on Jim Delaney’s mind as he walked up his sidewalk.  A sound came from the storage shed. Jim unholstered his pistol, not willing to take any chances after a day like today. He saw movement and instincts took over.

Jim unmasked the bloody body and nearly threw up. Stumbling into the house, he opened a bottle of whiskey. As he drank, he spotted a note:

APRIL FOOLS,
I finally got you! Meet me at Finnegan’s and we’ll get drunk.

Jim’s pistol fired one last shot, leaving the wall stained with the blood of remorse.

 

* * * * * * * * *

The above story is my submission to Friday Fictioneers. For those of you that don’t know, Friday Fictioneers is a group of bloggers from around the world who respond to a photo prompt of Rochelle Wisoff-Fields choosing with a story of approximately 100 words. Find more fictioneers here.

Bridge to Infinity

short fiction bridge

Copyright – Adam Ickes

A year ago, twenty-five four year olds started Maestro’s guitar program, now six are alive. Kim Lu pinned a G# instead of a G as she played through the new piece Maestro had given them. Maestro’s right hand was heavier this time. Unconscious, Kim experienced a love that has been absent since her mother was executed. She saw a bridge that appeared to go to infinity. Excitement came over her as she started to move across, feeling free. Terror took control when reality began to tug her back.  She awoke with tears in her eyes and Maestro’s voice ordering one-week starvation.  

This story represents my entry into Friday Fictioneers. Thanks for reading!

Forsaken

funny stories

Copyright – Alastair

I’ve always had a wild side, you know, live fast and die hard. I have spent years burying it, deeper and deeper until it was finally gone, so I thought. After years of suppression, we moved out of the city, it was a long commute but it was nice to feel as if we were getting away.

One day the guys at work got on a Kevin Costner kick, I know right. How does that guy keep getting work? On my way home, I was running that question threw my head when my inner speed demon got loose and took control of the throttle. I watched the speedometer blow by 100 and a calm buzz took over. Then… bam, right into this tree.

My soul has been stuck here ever since. I spend my days longing to see my family again, my life and mistakes playing back over and over. I wish someone, anyone, would smash their car and join me by this forsaken stream. I don’t feel like I can take this hell alone.

* * *

That car is flying, yes, yes… boom, crash… YES.

“What happened? Am I dead?”

“NO, NO.”

“Hello, are we dead?”

“Kevin Costner… Why, what have I done to deserve this!?”

 

I hope you enjoyed this story, it is my entry in to this week’s Sunday Photo Fiction Challenge. Click the link look at other entries.